Moon Spiral Heart Attack

I’m considering getting a tattoo. A Sailor Moon tattoo, specifically. Why the hell would I do that? Because Sailor Moon is huge to me. I grew up with it and throughout my life–beginning with the American version moving onto startlingly different Japanese version–I always had some kind of intense love invested in it. Growing up, I always had one specific scout that I admired traits in that got me through a particular time in my life. Sailor Moon helped shape me as a person. Watching it today still gives me the same feelings of heart throbbing adoration and fascination. For me, Sailor Moon represents my childhood and never losing my sweetness, no matter how hard things get.

I’ve been mulling over the prospect of getting a tattoo for quite some time and I had a lot of different ideas over the years. I usually decided that if I lost my love for the idea after a couple of months, then it wasn’t meant to be so I never committed to anything. However, the idea of a Sailor Moon tattoo was always on my mind.

I had a number of ideas for what I would get for it, and I eventually narrowed it down to two ideas. The first being one of the moon crystal lockets, most likely this one:

Artist Credit

Then I thought about whether I would want it open or closed and where. I decided that I thought closed would be better and that if I wanted that, I would want it on my chest…but I’m really not so keen on the idea of a chest piece for my first tattoo. I’m conflicted on whether or not I really want to always have to cover it up if down the road things don’t go quite how I planned and I don’t end up living the glamorous life of a fiction writer and staying at home typing (hopefully being a mommy) and drinking tea.

My next idea was getting it on the inside of my forearm, just underneath the inside of my elbow. But, being the nerd that I am, I kind of feel wrong about the placement of it according to the symbolism of it. The locket is always on Usagi/Sailor Moon’s chest. It’s how she transforms. The ribbons emerge from it and surround her, morphing into her signature costume. Getting it on my arm just isn’t the same.

The other Sailor Moon item I considered having done is getting her Spiral Heart Moon Rod, which looks like this:

I love it and have always loved it an that’s something I could totally see on the inside of my arm. Beyond the idea of it being so cute and pretty that it makes me want to squeal, I think it would translate well and completely represent Sailor Moon in an obvious and iconic way.

The next questions are just who will I have do it and when will I get it done? I’ve been searching around for online galleries of local tattoo artists. I found a couple that I wouldn’t mind meeting with. When is kind of another story. Part of me wants to get it done very soon, but I want to give it some time for me to get used to the idea. I considered getting it done on my 21st birthday in July, but another big hesitation with that is that I’m sure my parents aren’t going to be too keen on the idea. I care about what they think and I still live under their roof. They will think it’s completely silly and a huge mistake, and hiding it would be ridiculous endeavor. Is it still worth it? I think so. I just need to find a little more courage.

The prospect is overall very exciting to me, especially at this point after going through so much heartbreak and hardship over the past six months. I haven’t fully committed to it and my hesitations are reasonable, but perhaps someday soon I’ll have a little eternal moon power under my skin.

Tags: ideas, personal, tattoos

Frill Collection

Lolita girls in Japan. Photo credit.

My friend lovelylor has been asking me to post pictures of my Lolita wardrobe. This is a fashion/style that hails from Japan (which has nothing to do with the book or movie) that I go through phases of being completely obsessed with. More info on it can be found here. I’ve been collecting for years, but unfortunately it seems that I lost most of my original collection in the move. That’s okay, though because I’ve accumulated a lot since then.

The last time I had a real love affair with the fashion was when I was about 17, almost 18. My initial love for it came at just 16. It made me feel better during hard times and made me feel pretty. I bought Japanese fashion magazines from my local Japanese grocery store and drooled over it on the internet. Back then it wasn’t as easy to purchase as it is now, so it was a collecting kind of hobby along with the fashion. My ex boyfriend, however, really wasn’t a fan of it and really discouraged me from wearing it. This made me feel insecure about it and I put it all in a trash bag until a couple months ago.

Inside the Angelic Pretty Store in Japan. Image from Tokyo Rebel Inc.

I dug it out recently and put it on and it made me feel just as amazing as it did before. Especially during these hard times I’ve been going through, the over the top cute, frilly, prettiness of it cheered me up a lot.

My dad noticed that I had been reviving my collection recently and he said something really nice about it not that long ago. He said that whenever he was a young man and he envisioned the woman of his dreams, he always imagined that she would be wearing a beautiful, lacy, frilly dress like the ones I have. He said anyone who didn’t think it was pretty was crazy, even if it was over the top sometimes.

My boyfriend said that a long time ago he came across the fashion online and said “That’s so cute. It would be so cool if I had a girlfriend who was into that kinda stuff.”

Back when I was into it in highschool I used to get really positive reactions from it. One of my teachers used to always smile and ask “What is Kim wearing today?”

I don’t wear it all the time, but I do as often as I can. I often make it more casual for daily wear. We’ve got sunny weather ahead of us so I’ll be breaking these pieces out more than I have been.

Photos of Myself

Anyway, here’s my collection. I didn’t include socks or items that I pair with Lolita clothes that are not strictly Lolita. The reason being is that I have far too much. I also forgot to take photos of my parasols! I have two. Maybe later.

Bows, bags, and a skirt.

Dresses and skirts.

Dresses, skirts, and a blouse.

Skirts, blouse and bloomers. Petticoat/underskirts are buried under there somewhere.

Skirts and a dress.

Shoes!

I actually need to sell the white rocking horse shoes in the back. They’re too small for me. I only ever tried on one of them. I’m usually a 6-6.5, but the listing listed them as 6.5 -7 and they’re still too small. In Japanese sizing they’re 23 cm. They’re Montreals. Original listing here. I’d like to get close to what I paid for them including shipping from China, which is about 60$ shipped anywhere in the US, but I might also be willing to trade for stuff and offers are welcome.

As for the ones next to them, the Bodyline black and white heart buckle shoes, they’re about half a size too big for me. That’s kind of do-able with the help of tissue and maybe a heel insert, but I might end up selling them too. They’re listed as a 23.5 on the Bodyline website, but I’d definitely say that they’d fit a 7-7.5. Original page is here. I’d like to get about 25 dollars for them. Shipping from Bodyline is 20 bucks, even if the shoes were only 19.

If anyone’s interested, comment or leave me an ask on tumblr.

Suggested reading: lolitafashion.org, lolita fashion wiki page, Kamikaze Girls.

Tags: fashion, lolita, personal

I promised I’d write more, even if it was just brain vomit, so here I am.

Today is a rare day that Alli and I both have off. This occurred because we requested it off so that we could go visit our friend Brian in Charlottesville. The original plan was that we would go and take Alice with us. This changed into us planning to take Zoey with is. This changed into Brian canceling and Alli spending the whole day outside with my dad trying to dog proof our back yard.

I’m supposed to meet Alli’s parents tonight. I still have not met them after over a year of us being best friends and almost four months of dating. It’s built up now and I’m nervous.

My mother decided that she needs a break from all the dog mania (dog mania that is almost 100% issues with her dog) and is taking a trip back to California until Wednesday. This means I become caretaker of not only Zoey, but Misty and my grandmother too. This is on top of work and school. The idea of it is stressing me out. I worry about the days I will be gone all day. I don’t know how my grandma can handle the dogs. I’m hoping the back yard is okay by then. As it is now, Misty jumps off the balcony and over the six foot fence we built to keep her in. She is fearless and a mastermind and every time she finds a new way to escape both my heart and my stomach feel like they’re going to explode from all the panic and worry.

I’m terrified of losing another dog and I’m also still nervous about eating.

I’m still stressed over losing Alice. I’m in my anger phase of grief. Little things make me fly off the handle and I take it out on people I shouldn’t. I don’t have a lot of patience and it makes me feel awful and like a total jerk once I realize it.

I’ve spent way too much money on clothes as of late. Both Lolita clothes and regular ones. I’m probably being too frivolous right now and I think it has a lot to do with sort of trying to fill a void. I need to fill my time with something else–namely writing, which I haven’t done much of. I keep saying that finishing my book is my ultimate plan and that everything else I do for my future is just back up planning, yet I don’t make any time to work towards it.

I want so much to move forward, but I’m not doing anything to accomplish that. I’m just taking things one day at a time.

 

Tags: personal, photos

Catching Up

Playing: Silent Hill 3, Okami, & Persona 3 Portable. Alli recently got me a white PS2 and I’m showing him Silent Hill 3 because it’s an all time favorite.

I’ve never played Okami before. Amaterasu reminds me so much of my dog, Misty. See?:

As far as Persona 3 Portable goes, I played Persona 3 and really loved it. I’m playing as the female main character (PSP only option) and I like it a lot. Akihiko, I’m going to make you mine.

Listening: A lot of The Killers, Interpol, and Casker.

Watching: I finished season one of Mad Men recently. I’m really into Christina Hendricks right now. I also watched An Education, The Machinist, and The Runaways the other night. I would recommend all of them. I’m not at all a Kristen Stewart fan but I think she rocked it both literally and figuratively as Joan Jett and Dakota Fanning is already a little heart-breaker at not even 17. She’s quite a nymphette in The Runaways.

As far as TV goes, I almost completely stopped watching it except for old Batman reruns.

Reading: I’m still not finished with American Gods, but it’s really really amazing. Neil Gaiman’s literature is a huge deal to me these days. I started it forever ago and I haven’t had time to read anything lately. I have a stack of books and comics that require my attention. I recently found out that they translated the original book for Audition and I can get it on my Nook. I’m so dying to read it that it might be next.

Wearing: I’m crazy about Japanese Lolita fashion again. I don’t know why we keep falling in an out of love, but we do. I’ve ordered a ton of stuff from Bodyline as of late and I’m so stoked with everything. I can’t wait until it gets sunnier so I can start wearing it more. Main style inspiration is good old Momoko from Kamikaze Girls. She reignites my interest in the fashion each time I watch the film.

Most Recently Acquired Wisdom: You can’t go back in time & agonizing over the past makes it impossible to take advantage of the present.

Tags: advice, fashion, interests, personal, pictures, wisdom

Chaos, Turmoil, and Stress.

The past month or so has been really great up until the past week. Alli and I had an amazing Valentine’s day, we’ve been happier than ever and looking toward the future. School was going alright, I almost left Gamestop but I ultimately decided to stay. We have a couple weekends coming up that we are going to have off together and we planned visiting our friend Brian in Charlottesville again and taking Alice with us. I got back into Lolita fashion and dragged out my trash bag of previously adored items and bought quite a few more. Things were good and exciting.

But, then last Tuesday night I got really sick. I was throwing up uncontrollably and was in incredible pain. I waited it out and tried my best to get through the night. The next day I went to the doctor and things kept getting worse and worse. I had a million tests done with no real results. I sat for a good while with an IV in my arm while Alli tried to make me laugh and they gave me medication for the pain. I thought I was better so I went home and took a nap.

Alli went to work and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I heard my mom screaming outside. The dogs had gotten out of our brand new fence and Alice had gotten hit by a car. She didn’t make it. She never made a sound. She was just gone.

Five minutes or so later the doctor’s office calls and tells me that I have an unusually high white blood cell count and I need to go in for an emergency CT scan. I sit there shaking, unable to do anything. I tell them I can’t and that I’ll have to go tomorrow. I try to process everything. Alli rushes back from work to be with us. I’m a wreck. I can’t even think of what to do or how to move on.

The pain gets worse and I end up in the emergency room almost all night. They find nothing and conclude that I must have had really awful food poisoning, which caused my white blood cell count to rise. I spend most of the night drugged up and crying, but I did manage to throw up all over Alli, who laughed if off and cleaned it up like it was nothing. I can’t stop thinking of Alice. After we go home, I spend the whole night shaking in pain until around 4am when it finally subsides. Alli took care of me the whole time.

The next couple days I start to feel better but I am overwhelmed by grief and depression. Losing Alice is the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with emotionally. This is not to say that I haven’t been through a lot, I have, but the circumstances in which this happened and how close I was with her through everything made me want to just lay down and die with her at times. I spend a lot of time blaming myself and blaming our other dog and crying and hating everything. I consider getting an Alice tattoo. I consider a lot of ridiculous things. Alli spends a lot of time holding me while I sob and say “I just want her…I just want her back…I miss her…I need her…”

I don’t think I can ever accept what happened. All I can do is accept that this is how it has to be now and it’s too late to change things. I can’t save her. I would do almost anything to bring her back, but that’s just not how life works.

I ultimately decided to adopt a puppy. Maybe it was too soon, but my goal in getting her wasn’t to replace Alice, it was to bring some happiness into our house again. It was to keep me so busy with a needy little puppy that I can’t sit down and torture myself emotionally anymore.

I named her Zoey. She’s a black lab, hound, sheep dog mutt mix. I got her from a local rescue. She’s a complete sweetheart and is full of love and energy. She has a sassy attitude and makes noises like an Ewok. She will be 50 or 60 pounds when she is full grown. We’re working very hard on training her to be a very good dog. She’s incredibly smart and eager to learn.

Today is the first day I haven’t collapsed into a ball of tears, which is progress. I went to school and Zoey and I went for a walk. My dear friend Lauren sent me flowers today. It cheered me up quite a bit.

I have high hopes for the future. I want to write my book. I want to bring Zoey with me when I move out. I want her to be the dog my kids grow up with. I want to spend as much time as I can with my amazing (that’s an understatement) boyfriend.

I’m hoping to start blogging again outside of just tumblr. I’m thinking about just trying to post something every day. Just brain vomit–whatever is in my head from day to day.

Tags: personal, photos, update

December Update & Photo Dump

Okay, okay. I’ve totally neglected this thing because I’ve been crazy busy. Prepare for a rambling post where I update you on the changes in my life.

The store has been kinda crazy because of holiday shopping, etc. It’s still crazy today. I go in in a couple hours. My family has been visiting for Christmas. This includes my sister, her husband, her three kids, my uncle, and my two cousins. It has been interesting in ways that are both good and bad. I’m getting fed up with being told how to live my life and the refusal of acceptance for my own personal choices from certain family members. I’m tired of explaining my decisions, so I’m done doing that.

Yesterday, Christmas day, I was extremely hungover. I had about six+ shots of vodka on Christmas eve and, boy did I pay for it. I had some frustrating things happen both Christmas eve and Christmas day which made me want to murder a mass amount of people, but I got through it. Later, I met up with my best friend and now boyfriend who gave me some amazing gifts, including one of these:

He also gave me a Nintendo 64 with Harvest Moon 64, which is an identical gift to one my dad bought for me many many years ago that I lost in a move and missed dearly. Even right down to the purple controller. He also gave me Epic Mickey, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Director’s Cut, and Batman & Son. I got him some awesome nerdy things too that he liked. He rescued me from my family for a bit and we went to a 24 hour diner and then drove around. Photographic evidence below.

I’m honestly not even sure what this last one is. I think it’s supposed to be something signifying worshiping Jesus/waiting for him to rise again but it just looks like a guy with a gun staring at his accomplishment after burying a fresh kill. Happy Holidays!

I have some photos from my caving trip, like I said I’d post weeks ago. Here they are:

Other than that, I’m about to register for classes again. I’m still conflicted on my future, especially since my Murder & Violent Crimes teacher offered to help me get an internship in the field. I’m going to throw some journalism courses in this semester.

My advice of the day is never take advice from someone you don’t respect. No matter how intimidating they can be. Also, someone who’s friends with you only because they consider you part of a unit with someone else (example: significant other) isn’t really a friend and ultimately isn’t really worth your time.

Oh, two more things: if you’re genuinely happy, you won’t feel the urge to tear other people down. And: if you’re genuinely happy, don’t even think about adjusting your life to fit what other people expect of you.

I’m really happy with my life right now, in case you couldn’t tell.

Tags: advice, personal

Machinima & Trevor Brown

This is an amazing animation of Trevor Brown’s characters. If you’re not familiar with him, Trevor Brown is known for his over the top and overtly sexual, yet beautifully disturbing art featuring mostly little girls. It’s appropriately named BABYART. You can visit his website here. Totally not safe work work. At all.

Tags: art, trevor brown